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What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional/psychological abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence varies dramatically.
(National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Psychological abuse may look like:
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Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
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Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
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Trying to isolate you from family or friends
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Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
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Demanding to know where you are every minute
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Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
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Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
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Punishing you by withholding affection
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Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
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Damaging your property when they're angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
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Gas lighting
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Humiliating you in any way
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Blaming you for the abuse
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Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
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Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for their behavior
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Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
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Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
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Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
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Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them
Physical abuse may look like:
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Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking
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Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
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Hurting you with weapons
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Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
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Harming your children
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Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
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Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
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Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)
Sexual abuse may look like:
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Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
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Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
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Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
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Holding you down during sex
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Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
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Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
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Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
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Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
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Forcing you to watch pornography
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Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you
Sexual coercion may look like:
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Making you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
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Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions​
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Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
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Reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
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Continuing to pressure you after you say no
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Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
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Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man”
Reproductive abuse may look like:
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Refusing to use birth control
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Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
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Lying about their methods of birth control
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Not allowing use of birth control or sabotaging birth control method
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Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
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Monitoring your menstrual cycles
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Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
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Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
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Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
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Continually keeping you pregnant
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Pressure, guilt and shame from an abusive partner (ie. constantly talking about having children or making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them — especially if you already have kids with someone else)
Financial abuse may look like:
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Giving an allowance/closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
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Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
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Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
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Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
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Stealing money from you or your family and friends
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Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
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Living in your home, but refusing to work or contribute to the household
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Making you give them your tax returns/confiscating joint returns
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Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine
Digital abuse may look like:
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Controls who you are friends with/follow on social media
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Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails or messages online
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Uses sites to keep constant tabs on you
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Puts you down in their status updates
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Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and pressures or demands you send in return
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Steals or insists on being given your passwords
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Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished
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Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls
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Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you